LONGER, THICKER, BIGGER...
Top Moustache Growing Tips from the Mo Guru
Size may not be everything, but it helps. You know it, I know it, the other guys in the office know it and most importantly, she knows it. A thick, strong Mo' radiates a primal virility which women are powerless to resist and other men are compelled to respect.

Over the past week, several aspirant moustache growers have asked me if there is anything they can do to maximize the growth, density and general awesomeness of their upper lip fuzz.

To help these men, and the silent majority that share their concerns, I have conducted an extensive review of all moustache orientated material in existence, including such ancient sources as the famous "whiskered shaman" cave paintings in Lascaux, the Dead Sea Scrolls "Book of Earl," and the Ming Dynasty masterwork "His Celestial Majesty's Moustache and the 10 000 concubines." Filtering all this through my profound personal experience and encyclopedic familiarity with the contemporary aspects of the subject, I have arrived at the following guidelines:

Diet
Your moustache is what you eat. The more intimidating your diet, the more formidable your Mo' will be. Archeological evidence suggests that Cro-Magnon men sported moustaches over 4m in length, weighing in excess of 3 kilos. This has been attributed to their ice-age diet of hand-murdered wooly mammoth, eaten raw with the fur still on, often with Saber-toothed tiger for pudding. The extinction of these creatures has made it difficult for modern men to achieve similar dimensions, but there are still ways to pump up your diet.

Firstly, if you eat meat, and you must cook it, then do it over a fire. Braaied meat is the most concentrated, legal, non-toxic form of awesomeness you can eat. Cooking meat in, on, or even within sight of a stove reduces its awesomeness dramatically. The jury is still out on gas braai's.

Secondly, if you must have vegetables, they must be hard-case, no-holds-barred, prison rules vegetables. The rule of thumb is that if you can imagine using it as a weapon, it's probably good to go. Celery obviously fails.

Thirdly, it is important to stay hydrated. Water can't be trusted. Stick to beer, black coffee, ginger beer or hot Bovril. If children like it, then it is a soft-drink. If they cry when they have to have it, it's moustache fuel. Cane and seawater is the theoretical optimum, but I strongly urge you not to try it.

Exercise
Moustache boosting exercises need not be rigorous. What is important is that they are awesome. Gym work is fine, so long as it is extreme enough to be considered awesome. For example if you did like, one 50kg arm curl, or tread-milled until you threw up on that spinny belt thing - that's awesome. Alternatively, paintballing, arm wrestling, cow-pushing or any conventional sport which involves a drinking, whipping or cross-dressing penalty are all solid options. It would take too long to list all the possibilities, so when considering a new activity, just ask yourself if it's awesome. Then you'll know if it's good for your Mo: High-Fiving Marathon? Yes. Croquet? No. Lawn Bowls? No. Lawn bowls with beer penalties? Yes.

Mental Preparation
There comes a point beyond which physical preparation cannot take you. Breaking through this barrier is the critical difference between growing a homeless person's moustache, and growing a war hero's moustache. You need to change your attitude from that of a toe-the-line, "Yes Sir, No Sir" smooth faced weakling into that of a rugged, babe-saving, bad-guy punching, moustache wearing superman. You can achieve this by watching as many classic 80's/ 90's action film as you can. A short list includes Die Hard, Under Siege, Rocky IV, Rambo 1-3, Conan, Bloodsport, Out for Justice and Predator. Cut down on your sleep if you need to - this is more important. For the sake of convenience, you can just watch Predator over and over again, but most people experience a mental break around the 50th viewing and go on an unstoppable rampage of manliness, which can be counter-productive. If you're doing this right, it will show on your upper lip as the awesomeness rises up within you and starts squeezing out your follicles. If you're doing it wrong either nothing will happen, or you'll start "challenging" people you believe are looking at you, and feel the urge to head-butt magazines if the people on the cover don't have moustaches.

You're ready
If you follow these guidelines and ignore the anti-Mo propaganda of jealous smooth-faces, there is no reason why you should not be able to grow a truly formidable Mo' in 10 days or less. Then you'll be a part of the magical world of the mustachioed man - a world where waitresses tip you, night-club bouncers pick you up from home and drive you to town and vicious zoo animals wet their straw when you walk by. It's totally awesome.

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